This is not something I ever thought could happen, never mind would happen to me. I have spent years struggling with one trauma after another but i have always felt like i can manage what ever got thrown at me. I have wrote this paragraph over and over again picking points of where to start but when I do i stop and think but it doesn’t give the full picture so this article will start when the FND kicked in. Yes that’s what the doctor called it FND. Never heard of it? Neither had i… well let me tell you all about it and how it can change your life overnight. I went to bed on Saturday night after a normal, family focused day and woke up in a seizure.

It felt like i had an electric shock radiating down my spine, i walked from my bedroom, in my two bed flat, to the living room, probably 10 steps, and i hit the brand new sofa (lovingly donated to us by my beautiful nan Pat) and could no longer communicate, my voice wouldn’t work, i was fully conscious trying to explain i needed an ambulance but those words were getting stuck on the tip of my tongue and I couldn’t understand how i had forgotten to speak. Luckily it was clear something was wrong and an ambulance was called. Upon their arrival i was still shaking, although this doesn’t feel like a strong enough word to describe the involuntary movements i was experiencing, my two boys 10 and 3 were stood watching their mom being put onto a stretcher and wheeled into an ambulance scared to death of what they had just witnessed and wondering if they would ever get their mom back.

Would they be better off without me?

They didn’t, not the mom they used to have, not the mom they were used to, the one that would spend hours going on forest walks with them, setting up Gruffalo walks from their front door to the other side of the large forest, the one that would dance around the kitchen and sing to them like i was Whitney Houston on tour with UB40, not the mom that they saw as sting resilient and safe. She was gone and no matter how hard i fought I couldn’t get her back and i got angrier and angrier for them and fell into the mom guilt off all mom guilts. I went places in my mind that i never thought i would go but there i was in the darkest of places wondering “would they be better off without me?”

I know they wouldn’t, but it has taken effort and takes effort everyday to believe that. All of this happened to me in mid-May 2025, so it’s still a relatively new diagnosis. I’m still learning about my triggers, symptoms, and recovery. It’s a long journey, filled with challenges bigger than you can imagine. That’s why I decided to start a journal to document my experience. I want to share this with others because many blogs, TikToks, and Reddit posts I’ve come across describe a wide range of experiences. FND is difficult to understand as its so different in each individual that it is hard to relate to someone else leaving you feeling isolated and alone which is the last thing you need when you are suffering with a mental illness.

The articles and blogs on this site will dive deep into my symptoms and recovery, including the highs, lows, and difficult moments of my diagnosis and family life. I will discuss my FND, PTSD, MADD (I’m a walking acronym) , and all other aspects of my life including children, home, relationships and anything else you want to know. I’ve made it possible for you to contact me—feel free to ask anything. I want to connect, be helpful, and also receive advice.